Old drafts in the edit box....

These are all old drafts from blog entries I never posted.
They are taken from the last year in no particular or chronological order.



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scratching at the sides of my heart
scraping out that last little bit
of insecurity
washing it clean so you and I can have a space
to lie our heads

trying to wash the visuals clean
trying to remember the way you looked at me
trying to remember that solidarity
between us
that commitment to make this work

trying

trying really hard
to not let this fester
to not let this crack the things that we said
trying
I don't want to be that kind of
girl that you have to lie to
i'm not looking for you
to sugarcoat the truth to
save face for our relationship

but i'm
searching for that strength
in our love that i know is there
searching for that security
in us
that i know is there
searching
past the visuals
past the thoughts
past the insecurity
past that feeling in my stomach
that i get when i think of it

...

searching
trying
past the bullshit
pass on the bullshit
i know we did the same thing
i know i can't really
say much
but

BUT

it's there right now
and hopefully tomorrow
it won't be
hopefully tomorrow
that clear space
for me and you
that strength
in us
will be there

my love is fighting a battle
against questions that will
only be answered in time
my love is fighting a battle
against insecurity, vulnerability
but my love is strong
and so am i
and so are we
so are we
so i'm gonna try and just let this be.


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The future looks a little fuzzy today. I'm suppose to be quitting my job in 7 weeks and have no plan. This is totally a Jazmine thing to do. Sometimes I wish I could take a mini vacation away from myself.



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Something made me want to write but I lost it, whatever that was - it has escaped me now.



----


Collecting words and memories
I'm gathering you up
trying to remember
the sound of your voice
the feel of your skin
the intensity of your eyes

You are everything I miss
on a daily basis.



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I'm in love with myself more than anyone.
I know that someday this will be a problem.

As terribly conceited as that sounds,
I don't feel a strong need to justify
how it's not.

When will I find the time to love
whole-heartedly
unselfishly
to raise a child or children
To stop wanting what I want for my life
and to selflessly give, love, nurture someone else.



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Today.

I'm trying to remember to be gentle
to be compassionate
to show love
even when I don't feel good.




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Love grew roots last night
transcending
skeletons and the dirt
from faceless men
unnamed and unimportant
haunting the carcass
of my past

Our love found a safe place.