Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ready or not.

This morning I woke up with doubt clouding my chest. Am I making the "right" decision? Am I going to do well in this new job environment? Am I ready to leave Zenith, do I want to leave Zenith? This new job is so corporate, Can I really do it?

Can I?
Am I?

I don't know, but I will.

I found myself saying this morning "fear is weakness leaving the body" --- Really.
I hope that my journey into adulthood is not coined by cheesy self help phrases.

Fuck me. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.


Sat with Nana and a candle. Called out to the universe for reassurance, for confirmation.

Ate a bowl of cereal with the lights off.

Drove to work in a haze, lit a cigarette that I shouldn't, listened to neko case sing, hung on every note but didn't listen to a word.

Thoughts heavy.

Morning coffee with Helen. Mid sentence she goes to grab my face and kiss my cheek. Smiles and says "we'll be friends, I'll see you. I'm not mad at you anymore." "Anymore?" "Yeah, anymore - I was terribly pissed at you. I would've given you 18 an hour had you come in here and asked like an adult. But it's okay, I think it's good, and time, and I think you do to. You'll be okay - you can always come back. You'll always have a job. Maybe you'll come back and be a sales agent. It'll be okay. Now go, before I cry."

She tells me I am a lot like her, except that she wasn't so stubborn. She says she has a feeling that I'll never be without a job - she knows I'll always be okay and she thinks I'll get lucky like her. She tells me to not be so hard on myself, and stop trying to be perfect. Allow myself to make mistakes. If you make a mistake, it's not the worst thing, no one died. Stop trying to fit in all in one swallow.

It's true, most of it. I do know I'll always be okay. So, I'm going forward - No second guessing. I'm finding comfort in thinking back to my impulsive move to LA from SF that in hindsight made absolutely no sense but turned out to be absolutely wonderful. I've definitely worked with less and survived. Fallen on my ass enough times to know that I can always get back up. I'll make it work, and if doesn't I'll move on and it won't be the end of the world.

Deep breath.
Don't choke.

And if nothing else, I'm learning how to be confident in my choices. I feel like the underline lesson that is present in both my trip to the hills and now this is learning not to waver. I've lost a lot of time being easy like the wind. I've willingly ventured down some dark roads out of curiousity and a lack of conviction, or rooting, in my own path. At least this time, if I'm making a mistake, I'm doing it whole-heartedly. And I'll whole-heartedly move on to the next.

Writing that takes me immediately to the moment on the steps of the trim house with Jessi. Talking about men and relationships, but the lesson applies :: You're gonna keep doing it, and going back until you know for sure. It's the not knowing that keeps you going back.

So corporate world, I don't think you're for me and I for you, but I guess we'll see how much of an adult I can be. The last ha-rah. Sometimes foresight isn't enough.

A plea to my inner kid :
Just give me 4 years so I can finish school and then it's you, me, my camera, and the world.

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