"I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart"

..... ................ .......................

separation has never been so tough
i feel weak and vulnerable
not the jazmine i know

all of my big changes have always been universally impulsive
i never really know the reason until much later after
i've done something drastic that makes no sense
and completely uproots me
but it always seems to work out for the better
and although I have no idea how
this situation will turn out
i feel this is for the better
even though i don't know why
i know what feels right
and i know what feels like a resistance
to letting go
and i know what i have to do

everything else can be a blur
i'll accept that
as long as i know what feels right

i remember you like the rain...
your coat could
never cover me from my sorrows
but talking to women in sheds
and on the wildcat could...
you could never glue back
the broken pieces of the night

i still check up on you ..... all the time.

you'e being a child....


can't let go of the past
and what was.


i miss you already
i miss you already


i don't want let go

i don't want to let go

i feel bad because i feel like we never survived "up north".

and maybe that was my fault.

i was so in love with you back then,

funny how it can all change so soon.

druken fight and a hit and run

never knew it would cost me my love

i think back to that night all the time,,,,,

Sometimes you are a lovely scapegoat..
Sometimes I need that to motivate myself

Sometimes you are everything I need and more
and sometimes you are just not enough

Emotional Hiccup Part 1

For me, monogamy is comparable to staying in your hometown your entire life and never leaving.


....



I might be going a little crazy.


I thought that maybe I could change, I thought maybe I had changed.



Love, you were suppose to be enough.



Love I thought you'd make me want a husband,
a family,
monogamy,
forever,

I thought I could still have me
with you
and that maybe we could coexist
especially
if we had two rooms.


But it's fucking TIGHT in here... my seams are stretching, my eyes are wandering,
and I'm consistently making an active choice
to not be an asshole.



I am still choosing you, Love.

Everyday, every minute of every hour.

I am still choosing you.

Tonight I screamed the whole way home out of happiness and excitement.

I am thrilled because I am getting my first weekend off in months...
I am thrilled beacuse I am ...(sidenote...I'm a little drunk and I don't feel ) likecoreecting m english mistkases forgive me.)
...becauwe I love my coworekders and because I lve y job and everything. This is also making me laugh hystericalley becaue I cant; type for shit right now. sorry.


I also lovce that i'nm going to boston for my first time. I;m just happy. m y liofe ois good. i'm cRACHIKING MY7OELF O=UP RIGHT TNOW;...

i work with amazing, artistic peiople who inspiore me to the tenth degree. they also make me laugh uncontrollably at work. alwyas, thank you universe thakm you. ;)

Old drafts in the edit box....

These are all old drafts from blog entries I never posted.
They are taken from the last year in no particular or chronological order.



~*~ ~*~ ~*~


scratching at the sides of my heart
scraping out that last little bit
of insecurity
washing it clean so you and I can have a space
to lie our heads

trying to wash the visuals clean
trying to remember the way you looked at me
trying to remember that solidarity
between us
that commitment to make this work

trying

trying really hard
to not let this fester
to not let this crack the things that we said
trying
I don't want to be that kind of
girl that you have to lie to
i'm not looking for you
to sugarcoat the truth to
save face for our relationship

but i'm
searching for that strength
in our love that i know is there
searching for that security
in us
that i know is there
searching
past the visuals
past the thoughts
past the insecurity
past that feeling in my stomach
that i get when i think of it

...

searching
trying
past the bullshit
pass on the bullshit
i know we did the same thing
i know i can't really
say much
but

BUT

it's there right now
and hopefully tomorrow
it won't be
hopefully tomorrow
that clear space
for me and you
that strength
in us
will be there

my love is fighting a battle
against questions that will
only be answered in time
my love is fighting a battle
against insecurity, vulnerability
but my love is strong
and so am i
and so are we
so are we
so i'm gonna try and just let this be.


~*~ ~*~ ~*~


The future looks a little fuzzy today. I'm suppose to be quitting my job in 7 weeks and have no plan. This is totally a Jazmine thing to do. Sometimes I wish I could take a mini vacation away from myself.



~*~ ~*~ ~*~



Something made me want to write but I lost it, whatever that was - it has escaped me now.



----


Collecting words and memories
I'm gathering you up
trying to remember
the sound of your voice
the feel of your skin
the intensity of your eyes

You are everything I miss
on a daily basis.



~*~ ~*~ ~*~



I'm in love with myself more than anyone.
I know that someday this will be a problem.

As terribly conceited as that sounds,
I don't feel a strong need to justify
how it's not.

When will I find the time to love
whole-heartedly
unselfishly
to raise a child or children
To stop wanting what I want for my life
and to selflessly give, love, nurture someone else.



~*~ ~*~ ~*~



Today.

I'm trying to remember to be gentle
to be compassionate
to show love
even when I don't feel good.




~*~ ~*~ ~*~



Love grew roots last night
transcending
skeletons and the dirt
from faceless men
unnamed and unimportant
haunting the carcass
of my past

Our love found a safe place.

wet dreams....

my body screams for you in the dead of the night

my pores are sweating out consummated promises

my lips salivate at the sound of your voice

yet still

...

you are nothing but a dream....

Life has been interesting since my return to LA. My emotional tides have ebbed and flowed to high high's and low low's. Still haven't found the median, if there is one.

Playing dress up with my personality, hide and go seek with my sanity - every day has been like a scavenger hunt for the best parts of me.

Like a snake trying to rip it's skin so it can peel away the old, live in the new - I can feel the changes beneath the surface but haven't quite pinpointed how or what to do.

So I try to settle old debts, take nothing on credit, leave nothing behind, close all the circles, expect nothing, accept everything, be open....be open......be me, ...

Love me.

Recycled feelings channeled from past moments

- - -

Admittedly, it feels a little better this time

to walk out the door

rather than being rushed out it.

My lover put the cards out on the table,

but how can she blame me for having eyes?


I was born with the gift of seeing

but I can't be responsible for reading her mind.

"lover brother bogenvilla my vine twists around your need"

sometimes i want to say so much

but my lack of anonymity

keeps me paralyzed.


i wish i could be braver in these instances

i wish i was braver period

Diplomacy is to love, what truth is to politics.

****

I feel the day unfolding outside my windows. Still in my pj's, blinds are still closed, heat still kept at bay, Lost in Translation just ended and my thoughts are trying to edge their way through like the light outside. Stuck in the silence that is lingering from my finished, morning movie and the space between now and me moving from this screen to put on some music, some noon soundtrack to start off my Sunday - I am just here- thinking and thinking and thinking. Such delicate thoughts. I have that feeling you get when you finally realize something that has been there all along - it's a monumental feeling that carries such a strong energy that is not necessarily displaced, but not being directed exactly where it should be. A feeling of urgency on one side to make it make sense and to figure out what you're gonna do about it now that you know, and on the other side there is a very dense fear that comes from realizing that of course you have known this all along and it's not that it was so hard to see, but that by denying it's existence, you've never had to gather up the balls to actually do anything about it.

So the only thing in the air between my day, this silence, these thoughts, and me opening the blinds and getting dressed - is the nagging question - So what now.

....

Nastucia just woke up, saw me on the computer, and put on forrest gump. She is now laying on the floor in her pj's in front of the tv with the blinds closed.

Round two. Happy holiday weekend.

i gathered every piece of you and threw it up to the sky a long time ago

I started the day dusting off my eyelids
scraping the crust from my eyes
looking around at my disheveled apartment
clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink,
papers, mounds of papers of unopened and opened mail,
lying in a semi-circle on the living room floor
last night's half smoked joint (the end of my productivity)
left on a notebook on the couch
I'm in one of those moods again
where everything is getting done but nothing seems
to be taking any form or semblance of order

I'm leaving and that's all I can think about.
The trees, the birds, the friends, the disconnection
to a screen, to a scene, to a home, to a job.

Dragging my feet to work, I have been late
this entire month. I am amazed I'm still
going at all. At the end of my rope with this.

"You don't really want the monster taking over"

Today I woke up grateful, nestled in a world of magick
surrounded by green leaves and the promises of the morning's light

The day's beginning on the tip of my tongue
and in the palm of my hands

I kind of realized that I have it all
Drunk with manifestations and silly with hope,
seducing clarity with whispers of my ambition,
my dreams making love to the future,

And I realized that I have it all, I
have it all - my mind's eye sees it all.

Knee deep

Today is one of those days
when it seems like beauty is
absolutely everywhere
and every stranger smiles
and every song has rolling melodies
that sound like the ocean is in your backyard
and your ear is cupped to a conch
waiting for the secrets
of life to give themselves
to you

bent down, my hands on the earth
my eyes on the moon
i am sending my love
across oceans
across melodies
across barries
over to you